Once upon a time:
I might have considered myself a runner
I could run a whole mile w/o stopping
Heck, on a good day I could run 3 miles.
Even more on a GREAT day!
I had designated "running days"
"my.running.day" was a common part of my vocabulary.
"i cant do that tonight, its my running day"
"its my running day, remember? so you are in charge of dinner"
"I have to go home and grab my running clothes, I forget them, and today is my ru...."
You get the point...
On Tuesdays and Thursdays I would change into my running clothes at work, and go strait to running at the park.
On sundays I would run whenever, just depending on what I had going on.
My dog would watch me and I could see her wheels turning.
He anxious little puppy eyes, and waggly (yes its a word, I checked. Ok not really, but who's keeping track) tail, knew I was going for a "walk"
and that little girls LOVES WALKS!!
She didnt know any better.
I would have to expain to her
"no baby, you cant come with me. you see, momma's going for a run, three miles is just too much for a little 7 pound chihuahua. You need to stay here and lay in your bed, and someday soon momma will take you for your own little walk. but for now, momma is a runner and I gotta go running. I run real fast baby, and I run a long ways for a long time. Thats just what runners do. You dont see runners out there with little chihuahuas, baby. You want mamma to be a good runner, dont you? See, I knew you would understand"
And for a few months, thats the way it was.
I did have to take a couple weeks off because of horrible shin splints. (only real runners get shin splints, thats just something I say to make myself feel better)
Then summer came.
And instead of staying a runner, I became something else.
A wannabe.
100 degrees is just too hot for this wannabe.
80 degrees might even be too hot.
Then summer left, and alright now I am just plain lazy!
Now 3 or 4 times a week:
I strap on my running shoes, because they are just so dang cute.
I wear whatever I have on.
I dont put on my special socks.
Or my special spandex under shorts.
I dont take my iPod, because its dead, and I have failed to charge it.
Charging it would involved bringing it inside from my car.
I take my phone, and I text message people, and try not to trip over a curb.
I take my wonderful fantastic little dog with me, because afterall, and evening stroll around the block is not too much for her.
I end up carrying a small plastic bag of her fresh doo doo about 1/2 way in to the walk.
Sometimes I wear my Bloomsday finisher T-shirt, and I think about how it felt to run.
The cool weather is here, and I'm still not running.
I have a million and one excuses.
And they are all just that, excuses.
I think I'm getting there though, closer to being a runner again.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Why Life for {US} will Never be the Same.....
Thursday, September 2nd 2010, was just a normal day.
I had just gotten home from work and was preparing dinner for my family. We were having chili frito haystacks. We were all excited to eat, and were celebrating the fact that "tomorrow is friday, yay." It was a beautiful day outside, and we had the windows open, taking in the fresh air.
Just as we were about to sit down, a small pick up pulled up outside. The kids recognized the truck, and the men in it. It was Pat (their mothers boyfriend, whom they refuse to have any relationship with) and his father. Harley started to get upset, because she is scared of Pat. Dennis rushed outside to meet Pat's dad on the porch. His dad kneeled down, and I couldnt hear what he was saying, but I could tell it was bad news.
By the time I got to the door to stick my head out, Dennis had tears in his eyes and he turned around to me to say "Jessica died!"
The kids heard the news too, because the windows were open. I turned around and looked at them, and waiting for a reaction.
Both of them lost it!!!
I grabbed Harley and held her as she cried, and cried. Bubba was crying too, but he wouldnt sit still. He was walking around, trying to punch and kick things. I think this was a typical reaction from a 15 yr old boy.
I will NEVER forget that moment.
Feeling completely helpless.
Nothing I could do... or say...
A million things were running through my mind...
the fact that on the way to school that morning, Bubba said he was going to call his mom when school got out to wish her happy birthday.
the fact that it was her 34th Birthday!
the fact that we were just told that Jessica had committed suicide, drowned herself.
the fact that there was alcohol involved.
the fact that there was alcohol involved when on August 20th she told the kids was her 8th month of sobriety.
the fact that this happened at Pat's house, and they supposedly werent dating.
the fact that these kids will never see their mom again.....
Why?
How?
Once we had gotten the kids calmed down a little, which was hard, because Dennis and I were both pretty shook up as well, the kids asked if their mom had been drinking.
And we told them yes.
At ages 11 and 15, these kids lost their mother, to a horrible disease.
I called one of my best friends. Her father was an alcoholic, and committed suicide when we were 13. She came over to talk to the kids a little bit.
Dennis made a lot of phone calls, to the rest of her family.
Bubba had youth group that night, and asked if he could still go. He wanted to go to church. So we took him. Dennis told the Pastor what had happened.
That group of kids, and Pastors, made a circle around Bubba and prayed for him. Kids did that!!! Amazing!
Bubba found a peace of mind that night. He came home to tell us that he believes his mom is in a better place, and she doesnt have to struggle with addiction anymore. More so, he doesnt have to worry about her anymore.
No more worrying about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing, is she drinking? Is she lying? etc.
Around 9pm, some detectives came over, and asked a bunch of questions. They couldnt give us much information except the fact that there was alcohol on her "breath", and that she was found in the large inflatable swimming pool in Pat's back yard.
Both kids went to school the very next day. We gave them the option, and left it open that if it got too hard, they could call and come home.
I stayed home with Dennis and helped him talk to some more family, and try to get some more information on what exactly happened. As of even right now, this case has not been closed. We dont know for sure that Jessica took her own life that day. We know that she had been drinking, and that is about it. The police are still investigating this case, and are waiting on toxicology and autopsy results.
How horrible is this??
Jessica wasnt very present in these kids lives. She had a horrible addiction, which caused her to choose alcohol and abusive men over her children. I know that she loved her children, and they loved her.
How sad.
On Saturday, September 11th, was Jessica's memorial service at the cemetery here in town. The kids did not request a funeral, they requested that she have a grave, or a head stone, so they would have a place to visit their mom. Jessica's family is making sure that the kids wishes are being granted. They put together a beautiful memorial, and are ordering her a headstone, with a picture of a fairy on it (harley's request) as Jessica loved fairies. Jessica was cremated, and her ashes will be spread next summer during a family reunion in Goldendale.
And with that, life for us... its different now.
Jessica doesnt call to talk to the kids anymore...
Its just {US}
We've been together for 5 years, and I have never tried to replace their mother. I wont ever try to replace her. But there is even a larger void to fill now.
I have never felt a stronger calling from the Lord.
The kids {NEED} me.
I ask Him everyday now:
to calm the kids' hearts and give them peace,
for the patience to help them,
to allow my heart to open completely for them,
to put His hands on them, and guide them, so they may never have to suffer from an addiction,
that he watch over my family, and keep us all safe.
I pray that the kids keep God in their hearts, as he is now, but that they allow Him to stay there.
And that, my friends, is why life will never be the same here.
I had just gotten home from work and was preparing dinner for my family. We were having chili frito haystacks. We were all excited to eat, and were celebrating the fact that "tomorrow is friday, yay." It was a beautiful day outside, and we had the windows open, taking in the fresh air.
Just as we were about to sit down, a small pick up pulled up outside. The kids recognized the truck, and the men in it. It was Pat (their mothers boyfriend, whom they refuse to have any relationship with) and his father. Harley started to get upset, because she is scared of Pat. Dennis rushed outside to meet Pat's dad on the porch. His dad kneeled down, and I couldnt hear what he was saying, but I could tell it was bad news.
By the time I got to the door to stick my head out, Dennis had tears in his eyes and he turned around to me to say "Jessica died!"
The kids heard the news too, because the windows were open. I turned around and looked at them, and waiting for a reaction.
Both of them lost it!!!
I grabbed Harley and held her as she cried, and cried. Bubba was crying too, but he wouldnt sit still. He was walking around, trying to punch and kick things. I think this was a typical reaction from a 15 yr old boy.
I will NEVER forget that moment.
Feeling completely helpless.
Nothing I could do... or say...
A million things were running through my mind...
the fact that on the way to school that morning, Bubba said he was going to call his mom when school got out to wish her happy birthday.
the fact that it was her 34th Birthday!
the fact that we were just told that Jessica had committed suicide, drowned herself.
the fact that there was alcohol involved.
the fact that there was alcohol involved when on August 20th she told the kids was her 8th month of sobriety.
the fact that this happened at Pat's house, and they supposedly werent dating.
the fact that these kids will never see their mom again.....
Why?
How?
Once we had gotten the kids calmed down a little, which was hard, because Dennis and I were both pretty shook up as well, the kids asked if their mom had been drinking.
And we told them yes.
At ages 11 and 15, these kids lost their mother, to a horrible disease.
I called one of my best friends. Her father was an alcoholic, and committed suicide when we were 13. She came over to talk to the kids a little bit.
Dennis made a lot of phone calls, to the rest of her family.
Bubba had youth group that night, and asked if he could still go. He wanted to go to church. So we took him. Dennis told the Pastor what had happened.
That group of kids, and Pastors, made a circle around Bubba and prayed for him. Kids did that!!! Amazing!
Bubba found a peace of mind that night. He came home to tell us that he believes his mom is in a better place, and she doesnt have to struggle with addiction anymore. More so, he doesnt have to worry about her anymore.
No more worrying about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing, is she drinking? Is she lying? etc.
Around 9pm, some detectives came over, and asked a bunch of questions. They couldnt give us much information except the fact that there was alcohol on her "breath", and that she was found in the large inflatable swimming pool in Pat's back yard.
Both kids went to school the very next day. We gave them the option, and left it open that if it got too hard, they could call and come home.
I stayed home with Dennis and helped him talk to some more family, and try to get some more information on what exactly happened. As of even right now, this case has not been closed. We dont know for sure that Jessica took her own life that day. We know that she had been drinking, and that is about it. The police are still investigating this case, and are waiting on toxicology and autopsy results.
How horrible is this??
Jessica wasnt very present in these kids lives. She had a horrible addiction, which caused her to choose alcohol and abusive men over her children. I know that she loved her children, and they loved her.
How sad.
On Saturday, September 11th, was Jessica's memorial service at the cemetery here in town. The kids did not request a funeral, they requested that she have a grave, or a head stone, so they would have a place to visit their mom. Jessica's family is making sure that the kids wishes are being granted. They put together a beautiful memorial, and are ordering her a headstone, with a picture of a fairy on it (harley's request) as Jessica loved fairies. Jessica was cremated, and her ashes will be spread next summer during a family reunion in Goldendale.
And with that, life for us... its different now.
Jessica doesnt call to talk to the kids anymore...
Its just {US}
We've been together for 5 years, and I have never tried to replace their mother. I wont ever try to replace her. But there is even a larger void to fill now.
I have never felt a stronger calling from the Lord.
The kids {NEED} me.
I ask Him everyday now:
to calm the kids' hearts and give them peace,
for the patience to help them,
to allow my heart to open completely for them,
to put His hands on them, and guide them, so they may never have to suffer from an addiction,
that he watch over my family, and keep us all safe.
I pray that the kids keep God in their hearts, as he is now, but that they allow Him to stay there.
And that, my friends, is why life will never be the same here.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What happens when you dont blog for over a month
A million stories to tell
hundreds of pictures to share
and one life changing event
where do I even start????
hundreds of pictures to share
and one life changing event
where do I even start????
Saturday, July 31, 2010
candy and pop for dinner
The kids went to the movies with their mother last night.
Needless to say, they had candy and pop for dinner.
And this was the converstion in the car on the way home.....
B: Slug bug
H: ........
H: whats that smell?
B: you're upper lip
H: huh?
B: slug big!
H: PT bruiser
B: ........
H: what do you think its easier to smell, your upper lip or your bottom lip
B: upper duh, its right below your nose. thats the point of the joke
B: Cadillac Whack!
B: Grand Am Slam
H: Minivan!
H: Truck!
H: Volkswagon!
H: Whatever its called!
B: ok, who farted?
H: your upper lip...
B: thats not how the joke goes Harley...quit stealing my lines
H: okay, your lower lip
B: that still doesnt make sense
H: but thats my joke, and I like it...
Needless to say, they had candy and pop for dinner.
And this was the converstion in the car on the way home.....
B: Slug bug
H: ........
H: whats that smell?
B: you're upper lip
H: huh?
B: slug big!
H: PT bruiser
B: ........
H: what do you think its easier to smell, your upper lip or your bottom lip
B: upper duh, its right below your nose. thats the point of the joke
B: Cadillac Whack!
B: Grand Am Slam
H: Minivan!
H: Truck!
H: Volkswagon!
H: Whatever its called!
B: ok, who farted?
H: your upper lip...
B: thats not how the joke goes Harley...quit stealing my lines
H: okay, your lower lip
B: that still doesnt make sense
H: but thats my joke, and I like it...
Sunday, July 25, 2010
RaNdOm....
1. I have a set of knives in one of those knife block things... but they are never ever all clean at the same time, there is always at least one knife missing at any given time.
2. I would like a new set of knives, really nice ones like the Pioneer Woman uses.
3. Have you ever had Hone BBQ Fritos? They are spiral shaped, and its impossible to reach into the bag and pull out more than 2 fritos at a time with your hand. Its IMPOSSIBLE. Try it.
4. One of my boyfriends I had when I lived in Salem is almost completely bald now.
5. I actually only had 1 boyfriend when I lived in Salem.
6. I dont talk to ANY of my ex boyfriends.
7. Today our Pastor was gone from church, so the worship pastor filled in for him. And the youth pastor filled in for the worship pastor and it was AMAZING!! I want the youth pastor to be our worship pastor every week.
8. I feel bad about the above statement, because I do really like our regular worship pastor.
9. I have been watching Big Brother 12. And I like it. And it goes against everything I believe in when it comes to reality TV and the amount of time I should/or shouldnt spend watching TV.
10. I miss running.
11. Ok, I miss running. A LOT! Its too hard to run in hot weather, so I have been swimming, which I love. But I love running more.
12. I never thought I would love running, or miss running.
13. I booked my room in Spokane for Bloomsday next year.
14. I picked our first 2 cherry tomatos today.
15. I ate both of them.
16. Weight Watchers sucks.
17. But it works.
18. If I stick to it.
19. But thats really hard.
20. The word "tomatos" above looks weird... should it have been "tomatoes"?
21. We might get a cat, or well, a kitten. My family wants one really bad. I do too, but I dont want to be allergic. And I dont want anymore vet bills. Oh and that litter box thing... dont want that either.
22. We will probably get a cat.
23. Someday I am going to get a Corgi dog.
24. Big Brother is coming on in 18 minutes.
25. I need to put my clothes in the dryer.
26. I want new clothes.
27. We have almost all of Harleys school clothes bought.
28. I would name my Corgi, Alice.
29. I dont know what I am doing next weekend.
30. Big Brother in 15 minutes.
2. I would like a new set of knives, really nice ones like the Pioneer Woman uses.
3. Have you ever had Hone BBQ Fritos? They are spiral shaped, and its impossible to reach into the bag and pull out more than 2 fritos at a time with your hand. Its IMPOSSIBLE. Try it.
4. One of my boyfriends I had when I lived in Salem is almost completely bald now.
5. I actually only had 1 boyfriend when I lived in Salem.
6. I dont talk to ANY of my ex boyfriends.
7. Today our Pastor was gone from church, so the worship pastor filled in for him. And the youth pastor filled in for the worship pastor and it was AMAZING!! I want the youth pastor to be our worship pastor every week.
8. I feel bad about the above statement, because I do really like our regular worship pastor.
9. I have been watching Big Brother 12. And I like it. And it goes against everything I believe in when it comes to reality TV and the amount of time I should/or shouldnt spend watching TV.
10. I miss running.
11. Ok, I miss running. A LOT! Its too hard to run in hot weather, so I have been swimming, which I love. But I love running more.
12. I never thought I would love running, or miss running.
13. I booked my room in Spokane for Bloomsday next year.
14. I picked our first 2 cherry tomatos today.
15. I ate both of them.
16. Weight Watchers sucks.
17. But it works.
18. If I stick to it.
19. But thats really hard.
20. The word "tomatos" above looks weird... should it have been "tomatoes"?
21. We might get a cat, or well, a kitten. My family wants one really bad. I do too, but I dont want to be allergic. And I dont want anymore vet bills. Oh and that litter box thing... dont want that either.
22. We will probably get a cat.
23. Someday I am going to get a Corgi dog.
24. Big Brother is coming on in 18 minutes.
25. I need to put my clothes in the dryer.
26. I want new clothes.
27. We have almost all of Harleys school clothes bought.
28. I would name my Corgi, Alice.
29. I dont know what I am doing next weekend.
30. Big Brother in 15 minutes.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Fathers Day @ Clear Lake
I know this post is about a month overdue...
We spent Fathers Day at Clear Lake, which is about 40 miles southwest of Sisters Oregon.
Dennis grew up going to Clear Lake often, and its one of his favorite places ever!! He's been dying to take me up there since we got together, but I have refused because of a few of the "minor" details he told me.
Deal breaker # 1: "we sleep in rustic cabins and take our own sleeping bags, and in the morning when we wake up we have to shake the dead spiders and bugs off of our blankets"
And this sounds like a good time why???
Deal breaker # 2: "when the sun starts to go down, we take a row boat out on the lake and bats fly around our heads"
Excuse me??
Yet, summer after summer came around and he would ask to take me to Clear Lake. Finally this year I said yes, under 2 condiions!!!
We would sleep in a MODERN cabin, and there would be NO viewing of the BATS!!!
We went for 3 whole nights, the cabin was awesome, and it was too cold for bats and bugs :)
The beautiful Lake...
There are about 100 row boats to rent...
Our boat for the weekend.... #4
Den and Harley fishing.... Harley usually leads in amount of fish caught.
A few pics of and around the cabin....
As I mentioned, the weather was unseasonably cold. I picked up this puzzle for $2 at a yard sale, and the lady swore to me that all the pieces were there. So I brought it along. I'm so glad that we had it!!! I get a little obsessed with jigsaw puzzles. I was so cozy in my MODERN cabin, putting together my puzzle while Dennis and the kids fished and rode bikes.
But they helped with the puzzle too. Everyone contributed.
After a while... everything starts looking like this...
And I got up extra early on the last day so I could finish it!! It was the hardest puzzle ever!!
Fathers Day weekend was a good one. We ate a TON of good food, caught some fishies, hung out around the puzzle, drank hot chocolate, and enjoyed our time together at this wonderful place.
And we can go back to Clear Lake anytime now....
We spent Fathers Day at Clear Lake, which is about 40 miles southwest of Sisters Oregon.
Dennis grew up going to Clear Lake often, and its one of his favorite places ever!! He's been dying to take me up there since we got together, but I have refused because of a few of the "minor" details he told me.
Deal breaker # 1: "we sleep in rustic cabins and take our own sleeping bags, and in the morning when we wake up we have to shake the dead spiders and bugs off of our blankets"
And this sounds like a good time why???
Deal breaker # 2: "when the sun starts to go down, we take a row boat out on the lake and bats fly around our heads"
Excuse me??
Yet, summer after summer came around and he would ask to take me to Clear Lake. Finally this year I said yes, under 2 condiions!!!
We would sleep in a MODERN cabin, and there would be NO viewing of the BATS!!!
We went for 3 whole nights, the cabin was awesome, and it was too cold for bats and bugs :)
The beautiful Lake...
There are about 100 row boats to rent...
Our boat for the weekend.... #4
Den and Harley fishing.... Harley usually leads in amount of fish caught.
A few pics of and around the cabin....
As I mentioned, the weather was unseasonably cold. I picked up this puzzle for $2 at a yard sale, and the lady swore to me that all the pieces were there. So I brought it along. I'm so glad that we had it!!! I get a little obsessed with jigsaw puzzles. I was so cozy in my MODERN cabin, putting together my puzzle while Dennis and the kids fished and rode bikes.
But they helped with the puzzle too. Everyone contributed.
After a while... everything starts looking like this...
And I got up extra early on the last day so I could finish it!! It was the hardest puzzle ever!!
Fathers Day weekend was a good one. We ate a TON of good food, caught some fishies, hung out around the puzzle, drank hot chocolate, and enjoyed our time together at this wonderful place.
And we can go back to Clear Lake anytime now....
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
How about an update?
Yesterday was biopsy day.
Or more like, a wild ride on valium day.
It was a crazy kind of day. The kind that feels like a dream, all day long.
Get to that doctors office and into that damn biopsy room. High as a kite. Doctor and nurse asking me all sorts of questions that I couldnt think of the answers to.
Funny story, he asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to, so he could turn on the radio. I knew in my head I wanted him to turn it to K-Love, but I couldnt remember what it was called (again.... valium) and I just sat there and stared and tried really hard to make my mouth say kaaaaaaay-loooooovvvvve. And guess what came out? "Country music!" I said I wanted to listen to country music!???!?!? which I never listen to. You should have seen the look on Den's face when I said that. So crazy.
So anyway, this was an ultrasound guided biopsy, so he had to locate the mass with the ultrasound, and to help him guide the needle in and take the chunk out. He ultrasounded for a while, and then said it....
"I dont see anything"
He couldnt find it. He searched and searched and there was nothing there.
So, in short. There was nothing for him to biopsy.
He has said from the beginning, that what the "lump" most likely is, is whats called a fibroadnoma. And they can commonly swell and shrink with our bodies hormone fluctuations. Just like our boobies can get swollen and tender at certain times of the month, abnormal breast tissue is affected as well. Fibroadnomas are the most swollen during the time of ovulation, and tend to shrivel down during our menstration. Well.... I had started my period that morning.
He decided to send me home, and I will come back in 3 months for a follow up ultrasound, just to make sure nothing in there has changed.
So..... good news?
Yes.
But...
(yes there is a but... )
I "feel" like I still dont have an "answer". A biopsy is a solid, concrete answer. cancer... yes or no.
A blip on an ultrasound, its not definite, its not 100%. Its probably 99%, and I am happy with that, dont get me wrong, but, see what I mean?
I'm happy I didnt cry.
There was no pain.
There were LOTS of blessings yesterday.
THANK YOU!!! for all of your prayers.
Prayers were answered yesterday. God is good.
Or more like, a wild ride on valium day.
It was a crazy kind of day. The kind that feels like a dream, all day long.
Get to that doctors office and into that damn biopsy room. High as a kite. Doctor and nurse asking me all sorts of questions that I couldnt think of the answers to.
Funny story, he asked me what kind of music I wanted to listen to, so he could turn on the radio. I knew in my head I wanted him to turn it to K-Love, but I couldnt remember what it was called (again.... valium) and I just sat there and stared and tried really hard to make my mouth say kaaaaaaay-loooooovvvvve. And guess what came out? "Country music!" I said I wanted to listen to country music!???!?!? which I never listen to. You should have seen the look on Den's face when I said that. So crazy.
So anyway, this was an ultrasound guided biopsy, so he had to locate the mass with the ultrasound, and to help him guide the needle in and take the chunk out. He ultrasounded for a while, and then said it....
"I dont see anything"
He couldnt find it. He searched and searched and there was nothing there.
So, in short. There was nothing for him to biopsy.
He has said from the beginning, that what the "lump" most likely is, is whats called a fibroadnoma. And they can commonly swell and shrink with our bodies hormone fluctuations. Just like our boobies can get swollen and tender at certain times of the month, abnormal breast tissue is affected as well. Fibroadnomas are the most swollen during the time of ovulation, and tend to shrivel down during our menstration. Well.... I had started my period that morning.
He decided to send me home, and I will come back in 3 months for a follow up ultrasound, just to make sure nothing in there has changed.
So..... good news?
Yes.
But...
(yes there is a but... )
I "feel" like I still dont have an "answer". A biopsy is a solid, concrete answer. cancer... yes or no.
A blip on an ultrasound, its not definite, its not 100%. Its probably 99%, and I am happy with that, dont get me wrong, but, see what I mean?
I'm happy I didnt cry.
There was no pain.
There were LOTS of blessings yesterday.
THANK YOU!!! for all of your prayers.
Prayers were answered yesterday. God is good.
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