Why Life for {US} will Never be the Same.....

Thursday, September 2nd 2010, was just a normal day.

I had just gotten home from work and was preparing dinner for my family. We were having chili frito haystacks. We were all excited to eat, and were celebrating the fact that "tomorrow is friday, yay." It was a beautiful day outside, and we had the windows open, taking in the fresh air.

Just as we were about to sit down, a small pick up pulled up outside. The kids recognized the truck, and the men in it. It was Pat (their mothers boyfriend, whom they refuse to have any relationship with) and his father. Harley started to get upset, because she is scared of Pat. Dennis rushed outside to meet Pat's dad on the porch. His dad kneeled down, and I couldnt hear what he was saying, but I could tell it was bad news.

By the time I got to the door to stick my head out, Dennis had tears in his eyes and he turned around to me to say "Jessica died!"

The kids heard the news too, because the windows were open. I turned around and looked at them, and waiting for a reaction.

Both of them lost it!!!

I grabbed Harley and held her as she cried, and cried. Bubba was crying too, but he wouldnt sit still. He was walking around, trying to punch and kick things. I think this was a typical reaction from a 15 yr old boy.

I will NEVER forget that moment.

Feeling completely helpless.

Nothing I could do... or say...

A million things were running through my mind...

the fact that on the way to school that morning, Bubba said he was going to call his mom when school got out to wish her happy birthday.

the fact that it was her 34th Birthday!

the fact that we were just told that Jessica had committed suicide, drowned herself.

the fact that there was alcohol involved.

the fact that there was alcohol involved when on August 20th she told the kids was her 8th month of sobriety.

the fact that this happened at Pat's house, and they supposedly werent dating.

the fact that these kids will never see their mom again.....

Why?

How?

Once we had gotten the kids calmed down a little, which was hard, because Dennis and I were both pretty shook up as well, the kids asked if their mom had been drinking.

And we told them yes.

At ages 11 and 15, these kids lost their mother, to a horrible disease.

I called one of my best friends. Her father was an alcoholic, and committed suicide when we were 13. She came over to talk to the kids a little bit.

Dennis made a lot of phone calls, to the rest of her family.

Bubba had youth group that night, and asked if he could still go. He wanted to go to church. So we took him. Dennis told the Pastor what had happened.

That group of kids, and Pastors, made a circle around Bubba and prayed for him. Kids did that!!! Amazing!

Bubba found a peace of mind that night. He came home to tell us that he believes his mom is in a better place, and she doesnt have to struggle with addiction anymore. More so, he doesnt have to worry about her anymore.

No more worrying about where she is, who she is with, what she is doing, is she drinking? Is she lying? etc.

Around 9pm, some detectives came over, and asked a bunch of questions. They couldnt give us much information except the fact that there was alcohol on her "breath", and that she was found in the large inflatable swimming pool in Pat's back yard.

Both kids went to school the very next day. We gave them the option, and left it open that if it got too hard, they could call and come home.

I stayed home with Dennis and helped him talk to some more family, and try to get some more information on what exactly happened. As of even right now, this case has not been closed. We dont know for sure that Jessica took her own life that day. We know that she had been drinking, and that is about it. The police are still investigating this case, and are waiting on toxicology and autopsy results.

How horrible is this??

Jessica wasnt very present in these kids lives. She had a horrible addiction, which caused her to choose alcohol and abusive men over her children. I know that she loved her children, and they loved her.

How sad.

On Saturday, September 11th, was Jessica's memorial service at the cemetery here in town. The kids did not request a funeral, they requested that she have a grave, or a head stone, so they would have a place to visit their mom. Jessica's family is making sure that the kids wishes are being granted. They put together a beautiful memorial, and are ordering her a headstone, with a picture of a fairy on it (harley's request) as Jessica loved fairies. Jessica was cremated, and her ashes will be spread next summer during a family reunion in Goldendale.

And with that, life for us... its different now.

Jessica doesnt call to talk to the kids anymore...

Its just {US}

We've been together for 5 years, and I have never tried to replace their mother. I wont ever try to replace her. But there is even a larger void to fill now.

I have never felt a stronger calling from the Lord.

The kids {NEED} me.

I ask Him everyday now:

to calm the kids' hearts and give them peace,
for the patience to help them,
to allow my heart to open completely for them,
to put His hands on them, and guide them, so they may never have to suffer from an addiction,
that he watch over my family, and keep us all safe.
I pray that the kids keep God in their hearts, as he is now, but that they allow Him to stay there.

And that, my friends, is why life will never be the same here.