Be the change.....

Hi everyone!

Do you like my new headline of my blog? I spent an amazing day in downtown Portland yesterday. Just taking it all in. Shopping, and people watching, thinking about pretty much everything. Thinking about the kind of person that I want to be. The kind of person that I already am, inside. And how to bring that person out to share with the world. Anyway, on my way back to Gresham on the MAX train, I looked up above the windows at the little placards on the train, and there was that little snipet of poetry staring right back at me. I thought, wow, how symbolic is that. "I believe in myself slowly", so true of me. I am always under-estimating myself and the things I can achieve. "It takes all the doubt I've got" I'm always doubting myself, my decisions, my abilities. "It takes my wonder" It does. My doubt, it gets in the way of me achieving my goals. I sat there for a while and thought about all of the signs. Signs that I need to change my lifestyle, and become a healthier person.

I bought a motivational piece during black friday shopping. Its a sterling silver ring that says "be the change....." I am going to wear it as a daily reminder that the only person that can change me, is me! I assume the message on the ring is intended to be "world" or "earth" related, but I also think it can be interpretted many different ways. And I thought it would be a perfect motivation for me as I start this journey again, for the hundredth time.

This time I am not setting a goal right away. I dont want to set a weight, or a size. I want to reach a place inside myself, where I feel healthy and comfortable. Once I get to a point where I am ready to set a goal, I will.

For now, my focus is...... change.

Bummed

What I thought was going to be a great holiday is getting worse and worse. My mom had to cancel our dinner on Saturday because her father in law died, so they have to go to California for the funeral this weekend. I completely understand, but I was looking forward to seeing my mom, so I am bummed.

I called my grandma tonight to find out what time our dinner is on Friday and she informed me that my dad had called and said he wasnt coming. I guess he had some home repair emergencies come up this month, so now they can't afford to come down. I tried to call him to get the whole story, but I had to leave a message. I'm still going to my grandma's but it's not going to be the same w/o my dad there, so I am bummed.

I'm nervous about the holiday. My weight has really been affecting me lately. Everywhere that I am going to be this weekend, I will be the largest one there. I'm so embarassed and disappointed in myself. I really want to hammer down and do what I need to do to change, but I can't do that 2 days before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday of the whole year. I hope that by thursday, I can put the weight thing behind me and try to just have a good time with family.

my thoughts after treadmilling

* i'm not going to make it

* i have terrible balance

* i think one leg is longer than the other

* i'm going to hurt tomorrow

* Rachel Ray magazine is probably not the best thing to look at while running

* this is going to make me want to eat healthier, right now apples and black beans sound good

* i really don't know if I am going to make it

* i've never seen my face so red before

* i need to get a sweat band, do they still make those?

* i'm pretty sure that eventually one of these workouts is going to end with me vomiting

* holy crap am I going to be able to do this?

Time for Change

Change is happening all around me right now. Some are exciting changes. Some are scary changes. Change is happening no matter what.

What's not changing?

Me.

I'm still fat. I'm still lazy. I'm still uncreative.

People, I'm not sparkly.....

shit.

I need to change!!!

I need to get a handle on this.

Tomorrow, I am going to start exercising. I just need to move you know. Be active. My treadmill is in a great spot now. I have the Wii Fit. I have outside. I have videos. There is no excuse. I dont give a shit about my stupid dumb sore feet. I need to do something. It might not be running quite yet, but I am going to make an effort.

I'm going to be 30 in 3-1/2 months, and I will be a different person on my birthday.

Why I love this time of year

* Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday

* It's not hot outside

* Shopping, shopping, and more shopping

* Gives me an excuse to fill my cupboards with baking supplies

* Starbucks goes from plain white cups to pretty red Christmasy ones

* The smell of chimney smoke outside

* Eggnog

* I can wear a hoodie everyday!

* Fall scented candles

* Christmas bazaars

It's a time for giving, and that puts a smile on my face.

PEACE!

Weekend is over

So I leave you with this. My side is hurting from laughing so hard for 3 minutes!!! Dennis and I thought it was hilarious, and I hope you find some humor in it too! PEACE!

Chimpanzee rides Segway @ Yahoo! Video

Wondering if I am going to be able to run....

Some of you already know, but I have been talking a lot about trying to start running. Kristi recommended following the couch 2 5K plan, so I checked it out. I am very intrigued by the whole thing. I have a treadmill that needs using. If I stick to the plan, I could be able to run 3 miles without stopping. It might take as little as 9 weeks. I wanted to start last month, but I have a bad pain in my heel that I didnt want to make worse by running. I made a dr's appt to have the pain checked out. Since I made the appt 2 weeks ago, more pains showed up. My right foot has the heel pain, my left foot now has ankle pain and pain on the top of my foot (like in the bones). I have also developed some knee pain. I'm falling apart, I know.

Anywhoo, fast forward to today. I went to the dr. A regular dr since my insurance is jacked up and wont let me see a pediatrist unless I am referred by a MD. So, turns out I most likely have a heel spur (right foot) and tarsalitis (sp?) in my left foot. I don't know if I am going to be able to run. Apparantly running is really hard on your body. Especially the leg joints like ankles, knees, and hips. I don't know when my appt with the pediatrist is going to be, waiting for a phone call. If I can't run, I dont know what I will do. I have really been sold on the idea of being able to acheive this goal before my 30th birthday, at the beginning of March.

So, for now, I will just get some foot massages, and eat cream puffs.