the dreaded "what ifs"

I cant clear my head lately.

The biopsy is tomorrow.

I have been ignoring it the past few weeks, as if it didnt even exist. But we were so busy, that it wasnt hard to do so.

Now things have slowed down, and it seems to be all I can think about.

Its here.

The biopsy. is. TOMORROW!!!

Biopsy. I never imagined that being a word I would use everyday.

What if it hurts?

What if the valium doesnt work?

What if I start crying?

What if... you know.

What if I havent prayed enough?

Garden Goodies (a display of my poor photography skills)

Last year Dennis bought me a whiskey barrel and 4 tomato plants. We had fun planting them, and watching them grow all summer long. Everyday we would go out and pick cherry tomatos and yellow pear tomatos and talk about all the things we are going to grow "next year".

He would say "Next year, we are doing 3 big barrels! I want big tomatos, and peppers! And something else, like peas!"

And I would say "yes, that sounds like a great idea, a salsa garden!"

We did get our 3 big barrels, and a few other pots.

We did get our big tomato plants, and our peppers, and more. It was a chore planting all the pots, etc. But every evening I hang out for a few minutes in my little container garden and check out how much things have grown. I count how many blooms I have, and shew(sp?) away bugs, etc. There is something a little peaceful, and a little theraputic about chilling amongst the plants.



Cilantro and pansies in one corner...


This large pot holds green beans, 8 ball zuchinni, and cucumbers


Strawberries, peppers, tomatos, pansies. I love pansies, they are so easy.


A few strawberries here and there, nothing crazy. There are just 3 plants in this little pot. I just love raising a few strawberry plants. Maybe I will add more every year. It would be amazing to have enough for some shortcake someday.


These are little tiny youngster green beans. Real green beans!! Growing in MY yard!!


This is my problem child... onions. It was an impluse buy at the nursery. Of the 12 or so I planted, these 2 are the only ones that look like they are doing anything. For one, they dont get enough sunlight (kind of hard when the sun wont shine... ) but I also dont think they like the soil I gave them.


These are large tomatos called Early Girls! Shouldnt be too long and these blooms will start forming into tomatos.


And these are all cherry tomatos. Super Sweet 100's to be exact!! My favorite!


This is a jalepeno! Isnt that wild?? I am growing jalepeno peppers!!!


AND bell peppers!!! This one is a go getter!! It's almost ready for pickin'!!!


The one thing we said we would grow this year was peas, but we couldnt find any pea plants, and it was too late to start any from seed. So.. next year!! Oh and I forgot to mention, my entire garden is organic!! I used all organic soil and compost, and organic fertilizers made with chicken crap and things like that. I want to expand my crop and variety year by year and someday it just might be pretty sustainable!

the end of a journey (but not really)

Last Friday was my official last day on the Medifast plan. It was bittersweet. I know I am ready to be released out into the world of real food, but its hard to let go of that "fixed" routine.

It's scary actually.

This is what I looked like on Friday June 4th, 2010!

 

Dont get all excited, I was just having a good day. You know... one of those "thin" days. Ironically, that made it a good day to take my end of Medifast pictures.

 

Ok, this is kind of exciting. These were my "goal" jeans. I bought these jeans about 8 years ago the weekend that I moved to Salem. I felt so skinny in these jeans, and have been trying to get back into them ever since. Funny that I fit into my goal jeans, and I am not to my goal yet.

 

And my signature "collage" of start, middle, and end (of Medifast)

 

Stats:
lbs lost since January 11th 2010 = 36.4
total inches lost = 31 inches!!

I love that I lost 31 inches, that is results!

But!!! as I said above, I am not to my goal yet. So I am starting yet another journey... a much cheaper journey. A road that I have been down a few times... and failed. A road called Weight Watchers (Dunn Dunn DUNN!!!)

I am still running 3 times a week, and with that and Weight Watchers, I am hoping I can continue on toward my goal.

Part 3: Tea Time

A few weeks ago, Harley and I attended a mother daughter tea party. It was a fundraiser for one of our favorite events. Relay for Life!!

We picked up Mandie and Grace along the way. Spent the afternoon at the tea party, and it was FABULOUS!!!

They had a TON of food, omg you should have seen the spread. They had a little "photo booth" of sorts, door prizes and raffles, and tea of course. Mandie's mom and neice also met us down there. I ate too much, and the girls had a blast!

Here are a few pictures.

Grace and Harley on the way to the party.

 

Making tea! Harley had apple spice.

 

Harley with her winning door prize!

 

Mandie and I both won door prizes as well!

 

I look forward to having more days like this. The Relay team did an excellent job putting this event together. I have always supported the Relay For Life. And now more than ever... given my current situation.

Ah ha! Speaking of that, I guess I better give an update on it as well.

I spoke with my doctor, and a surgeon. There are a lot of facts in my favor, but there is still a low suspicion that my mass could be cancerous. I have chosen to get the biopsy, and not wait the 6 months. Today I confirmed my appointment and its on Tuesday June 29th. I have a positive feeling about this, and I am continuing to pray everyday. Plus I have a lot of stuff to keep my occupied until then.

Thanks for hangin in there with me. =D

Whats up? Part 2... boy meets grill

When Dennis and I had been together for just 6 short months, Father's Day came around. He mentioned wanting a new BBQ, but unfortunately he didnt get it. We had only been together for 6 months, and a BBQ is a pretty big gift.

One year later, I had promised him a BBQ for Fathers Day. But things happen. We got into a car accident, and suddenly a BBQ wasnt so important.

Another year later.... still talking about that new BBQ. Of course, things happen, and I didnt have the money to get him one.

1 year ago, still asking for a BBQ for Fathers Day. And I am feeling pretty awful that he's been asking for one for 3 years and I hadnt delivered. Fathers Day came around, and he didnt have a new BBQ. But!!!, I did get him one a couple weeks later. He had picked out this Coleman Roadtrip somthing or other. He looked and looked and kept going back to this one. I bought it for him, and he had a good time cooking hamburgers, hot dogs, and sausages. He went out and bought a BBQ Bible Cookbook and suddenly he wasnt so found of his fancy new grill. The cookbook only highlighted other greater grill types, and didnt focus so much on us amatuers with cheesy little portable propane grills.

The problem here is, Dennis wants to cook food that is the BBQ Bible. He wants to make brisket, and ribs, and steaks, and chicken, and loins, and everything in between. I have always been the primary chef in the household, and he is fine with that. But deep down, he has this desire to create good food for his family and friends. The way that I can bake cookies and pies, and bring smiles and mmmmm's and oooohs and aaaahhhhhhs, He wants to do that with.... well, with meat.

So, as Fathers day # 5 drew near, there was talk of a new grill....yet again. He talked about maybe getting a charcoal grill, then maybe just a regular propane grill. One day I just spit out "how about a Traegar?" I honestly didnt even know what one was. But I started looking into them, and as I learned more, I knew this was the one for him. We both researched a while and found the one we wanted. Then we went to ACE Hardware and bought it!

This is the Traegar!

 

And its the perfect size for Dennis.

 

I could go on and on about how this thing works.... but its pretty basic.

 

Fill that square box with pellets, and they drop into this round thing and burn. Creating a lot of very hot smoke, that cooks food to perfection!!!

 

Our very first meal cooked on it. Chicken Legs.


I know they dont look like much, but they were the best, juciest chicken legs I have ever had.


We have had the Traegar for a little over a month now, and have used it almost every night. We have made chicken, pork chops, hamburgers, bratwurst, ribeyes, meatloaf, pizza (yes pizza), baby back ribs, tri-tip, new york steaks, chicken kabobs, etc.

Dennis is feeling like a stud, and we all get to eat good food. This is the grill of Dennis's dreams. And it only took him about 5 years to get it.

And for the record, he deserved it a looooong time ago.

Whats Up? (with us) - part 1 of a week long series

I realized this weekend that there have been some happenings that I havent blogged about.

Shame on me.

I am going to do 1 post a night this week, until I am all caught up.

We are planning a few camping trips this summer, but we dont know a lot of good places to go camping. On Sunday, we set out in the Heppner direction to "scout" out some spots.

We ended up at Bull Prairie Lake. Its about 30 miles south of Heppner. They have a bunch of campsites, and most of them meet my own personal requirements. One being a fire ring, not a grill on a post, but an actual fire ring. I want a campfire when I am camping. Two being running water... I like to be able to wash my hands, and wash my dishes and cooking utensils. Bathrooms are third on the list, not really important, I can pee outside, but I do prefer a bathroom. Bull Prairie is also a good place for the kids to bring their bikes.

Oh! And there is a lake. Hence the name... bull prairie LAKE!!

We went fishing.

And caught a few fish.

 

 

 

 

keeping abreast....

I've got a problem.

One of my boobs feels different than the other one....

I have been told that everyone's boobs are different, so when I noticed, I was just like... "hmmm, how long has this been like that?"

My boobs change size all the time... because I am a yo-yo dieter and I go up and down in my weight so much.

I made myself a mental note to talk to my doc about it... someday.

I had my annual female "check up" at the beginning of April. She did her routine "hands on" breast exam.... and she noticed.

So, I thought, I better say something.

She didnt think it was anything to be concerned about, but recommended I get a mammogram, just for peace of mind.

So about a week later, I go in for this mammogram. Fun stuff...

The tech had to take 2 sets of pictures, and I still had no answers by the end of the appointment. I was told I would need to come back for an ultrasound, to get a better look at it.

So about another week later... I went in for the ultrasound. The radiologist didnt see anything to be concerned about, but suggested I schedule a 6 month follow up. Simply because I had never had any mammograms, or ultrasounds, to compare this one too. So, the 6 month follow up thing made sense.

Imagine my suprise when I got a call from Kadlec imaging last Thursday. Apparantly there was a spot on my mammogram, that they didnt check during the ultrasound, and they wanted me to come back to have it looked at.

That brings us to today. I went in for yet another ultrasound. The ultrasound was done on the top of my breast last time. This time they focused on the bottom. The lady "did her thing" and then the radiologist came in.

This time, it wasnt such good news. "its not anything to lose sleep over.. but the only way to know for sure, is to get a biopsy." and "i'm sure everything is fine, given your age, and the fact there is no history of cancer in your family... but... the only way to know for sure is to get the biopsy"

ummmmmm....ok???

"The other option.. is to do a 6 month follow up, and if the lump is still there, we could discuss the biopsy at that time.....but....all that is doing is delaying the biopsy"

Of course... the decision is mine.

At this point, the biopsy has not been scheduled. And I am completely undecided. I go back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth.... I have asked a few for advice, and I have recieved mixed responses.. so that doesnt help. lol. My mom tells me "GET THE BIOPSY!"

soooooo...... I have a huge decision to make. I have heard that the biopsy is pretty simple, but if they come back to find out that it is cancer, the cancer cells have been disrupted by the procedure and they start to spread. But, on the other hand, my chances of actually having cancer are like 1% or something.

So, that is what is going on with me.... I havent blogged about this experience at all until now. And very few people are aware that I even went in for that first mammogram. But at this point, I feel like writing about it might help me.